“If you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them” (John 13:17).

On the wall of my study are the words of Henry Drummond that I’ve tried to live by for 50 years: “I shall pass through this world but once. Any good therefore that I can do, or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now, let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.”

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I also live by the acronym H.O.P.E. — Helping Other People Every Day.

In a world increasingly characterized by what Jesus described at the end of the age: people “offended, betraying and hating” (Matthew 24:10) — oh, how we need to pay particular attention to doing good by nurturing healthy relationships and repairing broken ones!

In His high-priestly prayer before going to the cross, Jesus prayed that we would prioritize guarding our unity and love for one another so that the world would believe that He came from God (John 17:21).

The biblical directive is crystal clear: Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all (Romans 12:16–18).

So what are we supposed to do as flawed folks — we all err [offend] in many ways (James 3:2) — when we encounter inevitable relational conflict?

Back to Basics

We remind ourselves that the cost of true discipleship is to deny self, pick up our cross, and follow Him in obedience (see Matthew 15:24), living not by emotion, but by decision. We remember that Jesus said that if we don’t forgive others, neither will our heavenly Father forgive us (see Matthew 6:15). And there are no limits to forgiveness, as Jesus said it is to be seventy times seven (Matthew 18:22)! Gulp! It’s for His glory and for our good.

When we’re at odds with someone in our marriage, family, church, ministry, or business, let’s jettison excuses which rationalize that things will just go away as we live in denial. If we don’t correct, we’ll reject! So, let’s put on our big-boy pants and anchor ourselves in the attitude of Jesus.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility, consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interest, but also to the interest of others (Philippians 2–4).

Ten Guidelines 

Consider posting these and passing them along to your church, ministry, and loved ones to proactively preempt problems.

1. Affirm that getting reconciled is a directive, not an elective.

Jesus said if you’re coming to worship and there’s an outstanding offense with someone, leave your gift and go get things right (see Matthew 5:23), and do it respectfully and redemptively, looking to yourself in all humility (see Galatians 6:1). This requires that both individuals demonstrate Christlike conduct: humility, godly sorrow for sin, and real repentance.

“Bill, you and I have known each other for a while, and I really value our relationship; I want to make things right — starting with me — where there’s been some breakdown between us. Can we talk and face where we’ve failed? And let’s make things right.” (Note: This is not done via text!)

2. Reject passivity and act intentionally to thwart the accuser of the brethren (Revelation 12:10) from poisoning others with a root of bitterness that can defile many (see Hebrews 12:15).

Remember how Absalom, son of David, engendered division and defilement by receiving whispering evil reports and allowing them to spread?

3. Conduct yourself in a godlike manner, being swift to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger (James 1:19).

The fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion (Proverbs 18:2).

4. Honor “due process” — coming in a spirit of inquiry, not accusation, knowing that the first to present his case seems right until the other comes and examines him (Proverbs 18:17).

5. Purpose to give people the benefit of the doubt and to be loving, avoiding inflammatory, categorical statements (“you always”; “you never”; “you’re a blankety-blank”) that are inconsistent with charitable conversation.

Love, suffers long, and is kind … love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. … For we know in part. … When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, and I thought as a child. … So now abide faith, hope and love, these three, but the greatest of these is love (1 Corinthians 13:4–13).

6. Resist all prideful, self-righteous attitudes and actions in dialogue, remembering that we are all sinners saved by grace. 

Corrie ten Boom, whose family members were all killed by the Nazis, encountered a former SS guard from the Ravensbruck concentration camp who asked for her forgiveness. She lovingly forgave him, saying: “There’s a Hitler in all of us.”

“The heart is deceitful and desperately wicked above all things, who then can know it?” (Jeremiah 17:9).

All the ways of a man seem right in his own eyes but the Lord weighs the heart (Proverbs 21:2).

7. Uphold the directive of Jesus to meet privately and personally to handle apparent sinful conduct, thereby steering clear of gossip (sharing private information with people who are neither part of the problem nor part of the solution) and slander (telling information that may or may not be true, but which is intended to harm someone’s reputation).

Apple Inc. has a policy in its culture that it will follow this procedure as a requirement for its employees.

8. After thorough interaction, if we are at an impasse, we will follow the instruction of Jesus and humble ourselves to seek mature Biblical counsel to help resolve the conflict (Matthew 18:15–16).

9. In repairing relationships, we will intentionally extend mercy to one another, differentiating between an isolated incident and an ongoing pattern of behavior.

Grace is giving people what they don’t deserve but mercy is not giving people what they do deserve. Scripture tells us: … Mercy triumphs over judgment (James 2:13) and “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy” (Matthew 5:7). We’ll reap what we sow!

10. Celebrating God-given diversity within the Christian community, we pledge to be gracious in recognizing different preferences, personalities and positions on grey areas “disputable matters” (see Romans 14) and not let them be a source of division. 

None of us has it all together, but together we have it all!

We make allowances for one another because we love one another (Ephesians 4:2 PHILLIPS).

Here’s the Deal

In the midst of a generation experiencing incredible division and hatred, may we consecrate ourselves to repair relationships to glorify God; receive His blessing, and block Satan’s schemes!

“Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brothers to dwell together in unity… for there the Lord has commanded the blessing, even life forever” (Psalm 133:1–3).

Share this article to help others repair and restore biblical relationships in 2024.

Larry Tomczak is a cultural commentator of 46 years, an IFA board member, a bestselling author, and a public-policy adviser with Liberty Counsel. His innovative video/book, BULLSEYE, develops informed influencers in 30 days (see www.bullseyechallenge.com). Hear his weekly podcast here. Photo Credit: mihailomilovanovic/Getty Images Signature via Canva Pro.